This year Mashable is celebrating the season of love with Horny on Main, an exploration of the many ways that thirsting for sex affects our lives.
Is there anything more delightfully horny than reality television?
I used to call reality TV my guilty pleasure, but I don’t pretend that I’m ashamed anymore. I’m a proud defendant of overproduced, alcohol-drenched trash shows. They’re loud, dramatic for no good reason, and rarely follow a cohesive storyline. Still, they’re so much fun to watch. The most enjoyable part of the show is never the plot, but the sheer desire embedded in each and every episode. That’s the human condition, baby.
Here is a ranking of the 15 horniest reality shows allowed to air on television.
15. The Bachelor
The reality TV gods will smite me to dust for this, but I don’t think The Bachelor is very horny! Yes, there’s drama, and yes, there are infamous windmill shenanigans, but the chaos is limited because everyone is vying for the same love interest.
14. Naked and Afraid
You would think that making two nude strangers survive in the wilderness would be sexy, but any desire is pretty limited when you’re swatting away mosquitoes. In this clip, two contestants are literally spooning, but they’re too busy fighting the bugs to get it on. Not cute!
13. 90 Day Fiancé
It’s impossible to tell whether any of the contestants on 90 Day Fiancé even like their significant others, much less want to bang them. Granted, sex probably takes a back seat when you’re faced with the immense pressure to get married in three months or risk your partner getting kicked out of the country, but still. Nobody on this show seems to have a libido.
12 . Bachelor in Paradise
The Bachelor is disappointingly puritanical at times, but Bachelor in Paradise is a shitshow. With a constant rotation of new, equally horny men and women and the pressure to get romanced or risk elimination, Bachelor in Paradise is more fun to watch than The Bachelor. Why watch one crusty guy hand out roses to women who deserve more when you can watch six!
11. Ex on the Beach
Here’s where the horniness picks up! Ex On The Beach is pure, unadulterated chaos with plenty of adultery. It’s a combination of every trash show you’ve ever loved, combining cast members from dating shows that already exist with their exes. If you’ve ever wanted to watch upsettingly beautiful people get trashed, trash their exes, and then rebound with each other’s exes, this is the show for you.
Technically Survivor isn’t about hooking up. But its contestants must perform freakish feats of strength to stay on, and often do it in very little clothing. That’s enough for me.
9. Vanderpump Rules
There are countless messy moments on Vanderpump Rules, but Lisa Vanderpump’s withering glare is what makes it so delightfully horny. If she ever told you to “hand in your fucking resignation,” you’d probably burst into tears, but be kind of into it. Don’t lie.
8. Literally any show about tiny houses
Hear me out: There is nothing hotter than multi-use surfaces. Tiny house shows — no matter what platform they’re on — are hot in an aspirational way. It’s unlikely that I’ll ever live out my cottagecore dreams in a converted off-the-grid school bus, but I can at least fantasize about it.
7. The Circle
Even if its contestants can’t see each other in person, The Circle is brimming unabashed horniness. It’s contained though — contestants can flirt, but only by dictating their sexts to the platform. Pour one out to the poor Circle employees who have to transcribe “eggplant emoji, water droplet emoji, tongue emoji” into actual emojis.
6. Ghost Adventures
Look, everyone on these ghost-hunting shows wants to bang the spirit of 19th century aristocrat. That is all.
5. Chef’s Table
Chef’s Table doesn’t feature any romances, but what is hornier than high quality, slow-motion shots of gourmet dishes? It’s called food porn for a reason, folks.
4. Terrace House
The Japanese reality show Terrace House is like Big Brother, if Big Brother had any chill. Hot people searching for love try to feel out relationships with their roommates, while a group of nosy hosts watch and egg them on. It’s quietly sexy, but the real sex scenes are in the house’s daily group dinners. No dating show showcases food as gloriously as Terrace House does.
4. Love Island
Here’s the premise of Love Island: A group of attractive strangers are put together in a remote island mansion, and must couple up or risk elimination. Whether for love, friendship, or a transactional alliance, the contestants are also forced to recouple throughout the series. This is the chaos that Bachelor in Paradise wishes it could embody.
3. Are You The One?
Like any dating reality show, the contestants of Are You The One? need to couple up for a chance to win the grand prize. The most recent season incited some extra drama, bringing in contestants of every gender expression and sexual orientation. What happens when you put 16 very horny, sexually fluid people in one tropical paradise? Disaster, but in a hot way.
2. The Great British Bake Off
For a show that doesn’t involve partying, sex, or budding romances, The Great British Bake Off is possibly one of the horniest shows still running. Look at all those strong baker hands kneading dough and whisking batter! The innuendos only add to the fun.
1. Jersey Shore
Jersey Shore comes out on top as the horniest reality show in television history. It was the first show that made me fall in love with the delightfully trashy world of reality TV, from the nonstop partying to the endless disastrous hook ups. It’s far from a wholesome show — there are so many blatantly problematic scenes — but you have to admire how openly its cast discussed sex and how often they wanted it.